These are a collection
Of Dad’s recollection
Of verses and ditties and prose
Some droll, sad, or sillier
Obscure or familiar
And some of them nobody knows.
We didn’t know whether
To put them together
To keep them from fading away,
But we thought they deserved
To be someway preserved.
Someone may enjoy them someday
So pause for a while
And have a brief smile
Or perhaps even shed a small tear
Cause for better or worse
The stories and verse
Are compiled for posterity here
Limericks and Assorted Verse
A
birthmark on Princess Maureen
Was the strangest sight that ever
was seen
On part of her chest
Was the family crest
And the full score to “God Save
the Queen”
-----------------------
A trainer training a trainee
Said training is draining you see
Cause my brain is quite strained
Since I’ve just been trained
By a trainer just trained to
train me
-----------------------
A lisping young fellow named
Smith
Said “Doctor my problem ith thith
I’ve broken the thtring
That wath tied to my thing
And now I can’t find it to…”
-----------------------
There once was a soldier named
Tuttle
Neath some barbed wire attempted
to scuttle
To avoid sniper fire
But his rump snagged a wire
Which required an instant
rebuttal
-----------------------
Two twins named Charlie and Sue
Did something most siblings don’t
do
Throughout life was said
That they shared the same bed
And I guess they’re Siamese, it’s
true!
-----------------------
There was
a young lady from Leeds
Who injested a packet of seeds
She died suddenly
Cause she lacked 2-4D
And thus perished from terminal
weeds
-----------------------
Said a certain young leper named
Hugh
As his left foot came off in his
shoe
“I am filled with remorse
At my action so coarse
It really was rotten to do.”
-----------------------
Said the sheik as he brushed off
the sand
“In truth as a storm, that was
grand
But I seem to have trouble
With my double bubble
I can’t pick it up in my hand.”
-----------------------
Said the
sheik who rode in from the desert
As sad as an Arab can be
“I find gum adheres to a camel
Just as tightly as it sticks to
me.”
-----------------------
Said a certain young leper named
Hugh
It is most unhappily true
But whenever I feel rotten
About this bletch I’ve gotten
I reckon rotten’s one thing I can
do
-----------------------
Rando Spangelo
That macho fellow
Comes in a wearing boots and
Spurs
When days grow chilly
Though it looks silly
He starts wearing hats and furs
He ain’t a gaucho
More like a groucho
I’m sure he’s never seen a horse
I won’t continue
This song into
Because the lyrics may get coarse
-----------------------
A Chinese
soprano named Ling
Would slobber whenever she’d sing
And to see famed diva
Bedecked with salivia
Is really a very grim thing.
-----------------------
A
cannibalistic young man
Came from China and had the name
Chan
He said diddely dam
I’d like to fry Sam
But I simply forgot my Sam-pan
-----------------------
The
hangman tripped the lever
The trapdoor opened wide
The body dropped quite quickly
And disappeared inside
But twenty minutes later
The man was still alive
And when they cut him down
They asked him how he could
survive
He said without amazement
I’m really not surprised
No way that noose could choke me
My collar’s panforized
A fellow from West Indonesia
Once suffered a case of amnesia
He thought his wife
Was destroying his life
So he traded her in for a freesia
-----------------------
A fellow
from South Indonesia
Injested some Milk of Magnesia
When he has to sneeze
He crosses his knees
We all hope he does not get
amnesia
-----------------------
There once
was a man named Spangelo
Who liked to eat anchovy jello
All the cats on the street
Used to trail round his feet
He was such a romantic young
fellow
-----------------------
The
cowboys rode out on the prairies
With six guns strapped onto their
hips
They slept with their heads on
their saddles
And their mattress was buffalo
chips.
They feasted on beans and beef
jerky
And seemed quite aloof and here’s
why:
With habits like those and that
diet
Other folks got too nearby.
The cowboys may lack social
graces
You may find their manners quite
coarse
Another thing you’ll quickly
notice:
A cowboy smells worse than his
horse.
The In’s
and Out’s of Digestion
There is gas in my low
GI tract
And I don’t know how to react
Should I hold it in and suffer
Or sneak a hot pepper
And blame you as a matter of
fact?
-----------------------
Omentum
You show great consternation
For my gut configuration
And it’s pain and general wild
activity.
But that stomach is a dandy
It is rotund, fat, and handy
And it hangs there as a frontal
part of me.
For the most part it is kind
And I generally find
That most food will slide right
down its track.
And I have a sort of pride
That once anything’s inside
That old belly very seldom sends
it back.
Though I do appreciate
Your concern for gutso’s fate
I hope that I may put your mind
at ease.
Cause it’s churning there just
fine
Mixing chocolate cake and wine
And perhaps some bits of jalapeno
cheese.
-----------------------
Chili
peppers chased by beer don’t seem too awful hot
And though injestion pains
subside their aftermath does not
So eat with some discretion,
truer words were never spoken
Cause if you do not choose to
heed, you’ll find your shorts are smoking’.
The reason the famous explorer
Was known as Eric the Red,
He thought he was just adding
Catsup
He was using Ahua instead
-----------------------
Ahua is
made from small peppers
Which from your first taste you
can tell
Their seeds are just like flaming
sterno
But their outsides are hotter
than hell
-----------------------
The finest
wake up drink I’ve seen
Was not black coffee but straight
caffeine
It gives your day a running start
Snaps back your lids and jolts
your heart
It activates brain, nose, and ear
And really gets your buns in gear
So just dissolve a gram or two
Then belt it down and sweat
wahzoooooo!
-----------------------
Beware the
fatal pickle
That will bring you to your death
It makes your stomach tickle
And does nasties to your breath
But if you’re feeling daring
And a pickle you must eat
Keep the drooling to a minimum
And the chewing sounds discreet
Fresh bubble gum is really great
It lets a person ruminate
Old bubble gum gives only trouble
It has no taste and will not
bubble
-----------------------
I do not
want your bubble gum
So please don’t try to give me
some
Cause if I chance a stick to take
I’ll chew until my jaw bones ache
It seems that when gum hits my
chops
The chewing starts and never
stops
Until fatigue and stabbing pain
Prompts me to take it out again
-----------------------
The onion
is a noble weed
As fine as nature makes
It’s good in salads, fine when
boiled
And great when cooked with steaks
But when injested it can be
Just like a walking death
It numbers in your stomach
And putrifies your breath
So if you long for privacy
Don’t do things too absurd
Just munch a couple onions
Isolation is assured
-----------------------
Godiva
chocolates may be fine
But ain’t it sorta coarse
To name a fine confection for
Some nude broad on a horse?
A certain young fellow named
Bruce
Who injested a glass of prune
juice
Found a terrible thing
As he tied his shoe string
The lace wasn’t all that was
loose
Oh sometimes chocolate kibbles
Or Exlax coated bits
Can cause unsightly dribbles
Or sometimes flat out___.
-----------------------
There was a loose woman named
Bess
Who was wearing a brown patterned
dress
It seems that the tint
Was not in the print
But the results of her stomach
distress
-----------------------
A woman
named Molly McFee
Was embarrassed as human can be
As she stepped through the door
Trailing there on the floor
Was four feet of blue Charmin TP
-----------------------
Folks wait
till the last minute
To heed old nature’s call
Then finally tear themselves away
And head into the hall
And then their faces wrinkle
With a look of desperation
When they find out that the
restrooms
Are out of operation
-----------------------
Porta-Johns
Porta Johns in Arizona
Have a very strong aroma
As they stand a-steaming in the
August sun.
And no one spends time a waitin’
Cogitatin’, meditatin’
But they always leave as soon as
they are done.
Now the people who recharge tem
See no reason to enlarge them
For they find when they arrive at
the end of the day
That the flaming hot condition
Has effected an ignition
And there’s just a pile of ash to
sweep away.
So if through that state you’re
haulin’
And you hear old nature callin’
Here’s a thought designed to give
you peace of mind:
Cactuses are things of beauty
But use one to do your duty
They may pick but will not
blister your behind.
-----------------------
Instant breakfast
It makes my stomach twitch and
quake
When grandma makes a chocolate
shake
And when I drink it, I’ll tell
you
It goes down just like Elmer’s
glue
And though it seems a bit absurd
The sweetness would gag a
hummingbird.
-----------------------
Withdrawal
Oh I’m simply going wacko
For a puff of burned tobacco
And my blood stream fairly
screams for nicotine
And my chops quite nearly drool
For a mentholated Kool
And my lust for smoking nearly is
obscene
I have tried both gum and fruit
As a smoking substitute
But neither satisfies in any way
But I know I will succeed
Giving up the weed
Cause I now am nearly through the
second day.
-----------------------
Abstinence:
No more smokes nor sex nor beer
Now I’m nervous, dry, and queer
-----------------------
Did you
ever hit one of those days when you feel that bottom has
dropped out of everything?
-----------------------
Medicine
To go beneath the
surgeon’s knife
Is not a cause for cheer
No matter what he’s cutting:
Your nose, your hip, or ear.
But when he’s hacking at your gut
It makes your blood run cold
Cause one is never certain
If his stitches all will hold.
Although form work that he has
done
It seems they always do
If ever one is gonna fail
It will be the one on you.
But look upon the bright side
Malpractice is the thing
And Mt. Ever-rest runs specials
Nearly each and every spring.
The urologist said well it’s done
You are safe to have sexual fun
But you sure won’t be pleased
Cause I slipped when I sneezed
And so you are left with just one
-----------------------
The
urologist said “Well I’m done,
And things are in place, every
one.
It’s surprising to me
That today I should see
The gland of the Rysenga son.
-----------------------
Oh the
capsules they can kill you
And the eye drops make you blind
If you chance to purchase
toothpaste
You don’t know what you’ll find
So if you’d save your eyes and
life
And keep your dentures beautiful
Rely on nuts and berries and not
things pharmaceutical
-----------------------
There’s
cyanide in Tylenol
And acid in Visine
Kids apples may have razor blades
It all seems quite obscene
But there is still a bright spot
In these ugly situations
As least no one’s put turpentine
In hemorrhoid preparations
-----------------------
Doctor,
having paid your bill, I’ve a conclusion that
The operation that you did
Wasn’t only on the cat
-----------------------
Test tube
babies are forlorn and feel quite disenchanted
Cause Bill Knapps won’t give
birthday cakes to them whats been decanted
Said the little test tube school
boy
With a smile upon his face
“I like to send mom flowers
Cuz we use her as the vase.”
-----------------------
Said the
little test tube school child
When asked in class one morning
What is your mother’s maiden
name?
It’s either Ace or Corning
-----------------------
Said the little test tube school
child
Softly as he spoke
It was only nineteen days ago
My mommy fell and broke
As if that wasn’t bad enough
When she hit and shattered
There upon the kitchen floor
My little brother splattered
-----------------------
Said the
little test tube embryo
“This has benefits it’s true
Being raised in a location
You might call a womb with a
view.”
-----------------------
Be it from
what I see of outside
I’ll kick and scream and pant
You can spear me with a corkscrew
But I’m never coming out.
-----------------------
When all
kids come from test tubes
That’s girls and boys and others
Then rest assured miscarriages
will
Be caused by clumsy mothers
-----------------------
There once
was a lady from Italy
Who to her obstetrician
complained bitterly
I wanted a child
But you’ve gone hog wild
Because six is excessive
fertility
-----------------------
Wanton OB
2B
When it comes to reproduction
It appears you know the facts
But your knowledge must be
lacking
In the field of income tax.
Because from what you tell me
Your timing is the worst
‘Cause no one ever births a child
Post January first.
But if you really concentrate
And get your doings done
You can salvage a deduction
If she’s
born by twelve three one
-----------------------
A
cryogenic father
A pyrex type of mother
Gestation in a baggie
In one broth or another
The outlook for tomorrow’s child
Is really quite forlorn
He well may be an orphan
By the time that he is born
-----------------------
A person
in the future
Tracing back his family tree
May find his great-grandmother’s
name
Was test tube ninety-three
-----------------------
Lessen
your trouble
Lessen your strife
Extra Strength Tylenol
Good for your wife
Oh Hygienist, with pick in hand
And with your bowl of fine ground
sand
Although I lie here calm, supine
Without a whimper, sob, or whine
I’ll have you know it irks a bit
To have my gums infused with grit
Which sticks in spite of rinse or
sprays
And grinds within my mouth for
days
It also makes me feel inferior
To have you prodding my interior
And have you view the heinous
dross
That did not yield to dental
floss
My eyes roll up, around and back
I contemplate: just what is
plaque?
I watch your nose hairs to and
fro
As first you inhale, then you
blow
It’s as boring as can be
I’m sure you share this ennui
My consolation in a while
Is that I’ll have a close-up
smile
-----------------------
When your
gums are sore and raw
And you have cloves in your jaw
You can’t unclench your teeth
Cause the packings underneath
There’s no creamed chipped beef
for you
Cause there’s no way you can chew
The donuts you pass by
And the orange juice makes you
cry
There is just one certain truth
You have lost a wisdom tooth
-----------------------
A chiropractor filled with zest
With one knee upon my chest
Said bring your nose down to your
chin
Buttocks out, belly in
Arms akimbo, jaw held slack
Now I’ll rearrange your back
Horrid noise, and stabbing pain
Perhaps some day I’ll walk again
-----------------------
Surgery
abdominal
Is known to be abdominal
The job is neat and cuter
If they use a Roto-rooter
Sit upon a cushion
Or a cotton puff
Take whatever you may choose
Nothing’s soft enough
-----------------------
Bob Brown
ingested Ex Lax
With only one intent
To see if he could bring about
A Brownian movement
-----------------------
There once
was a fellow named Nick
With diarrhea was horribly sick
But he worsened his state
Drinking Kaopectate
Cause he passed a 14 inch brick
When doctors use those fancy
words
I really get dismayed dismayed
Don’t speak of hysterectomies
Let’s call a spayed a spayed
-----------------------
Eat what
Doctor
Tells you
All Bran is
Quite good for you
-----------------------
Rogaine
We find that FDA delays
Have put us on the spot
The situations hairy
Our customers are not.
It really is annoying
When there’s a glaring lack
And one attempts to compensate
By combing eyebrows back.
But if in desperation
One tries to use a wig
It looks about as natural
As a doiley on a pig.
So write your balding congressman
To get them on the stick
And agitate the FDA
To get acceptance quick.
It really won’t necessitate
A very great concession
And it may just alleviate
A real hairy recession.
-----------------------
Although
for nurses’ services
For hours you have waited
The instant you stop breathing
You’re expiration dated
-----------------------
Grit your
teeth and climb right on
Here is nursy with a Porta-John
The seat has a hole, we know it’s
there
In hospitals it’s the Potty chair
-----------------------
Pity poor
Dolly in such a condition
She started as twins in
juxtaposition
That’s not as the doctor at first
has supposed
Instead she’s a pair that are
superimposed
-----------------------
To have an
operation
Is not the thing to do
If you want laceration
Just purchase a tattoo
With it you do not stay in bed
Nor have an IV drip
And you’ll look simply smashing
With a panther on your hip
Of God and Man
Man
The creature Homo sapiens is an
ornery beast
The things he gets the easiest he
seems to treasure the least
If any plant may chance to grow
from cuttings or from seed
Without a lot of fancy care it’s
promptly called a weed
And man will work unceasingly
until he’s out of breath
To stamp out every vestige and
assure its total death
But take some sickly feeble
sprout that always wants to die
And man will choose to save it, I
have no reason why.
He’ll gladly spend a fortune just
to get his lawn to grow
Then curse and swear and sputter
every time he has to mow
He’ll also chase a woman till she
says she’ll be his wife
Then soundly curse marriage the
remainder of his life
He much prefers a diet that is
filled with sweets and grease
Then toils and sweats and diets
‘cause he soon becomes obese
And when it comes to money the
problem is quite tough
‘Cause no matter how much he may
have it never is enough
And now here is the final line
that makes this super grim
We find that when we stop and
think, we are all one of him.
PS
But if I make it sound as if the
males are quite perverse
I would describe the females, but
they are even worse.
-----------------------
Old Noah
sort of grumbled and said I must be daft
I’ve never built a floating
thing, row boat, canoe, or raft
And now I find that I have built
a thousand cubit boat
It’s probably top heavy and I
doubt that it will float
And if that wasn’t strange enough
for any one to do
I had to go and stock it like a
cotton-pickin’ zoo
But man must do some strange
things if he’s workin’ for the Lord
And oops I felt a drop of
rain…that’s it, now all aboard
-----------------------
The night
he arrived in Damascus
Paul said I really surmise
The traffic was really quite
horrid
And the lights would just plain
fry your eyes
-----------------------
As the
piper went to his eternal reward
He heard Saint Peter yell
Here’s the glory train so get on
board
But send your pipes to hell.
To have old Gabe is really tough
With his endless trumpet playing
But single notes are bad enough
Without three drones a braying
So climb aboard and just sit back
Relax, enjoy the view
But forget about your lousy pipes
Cause there’s scarcely room for
you.
-----------------------
One day
old Adam said to Eve
I’ve something to discuss
Within the whole creation
There’s no one here but us
Now granted, we go romping
Through fields and streams and
trees
Without too much to cover us
‘cept fig leaf BVDs
But I have just one question
You can answer for me please
Where in the name of sanity
Did you acquire Herpes?
A Baptist missionary
had a rather novel plan
To use in distant countries
with a very special van
Its front remained un-altar-ed
But the back was customized
To contain a rubber water tank
Which could be vulcanized
It provided opportunity
For portable immersions
And he got this inspiration
From an ad for van conversions
-----------------------
As he went
for a shower, the Pope
Said, “There’s only one thing I
sincerely hope
Since I’m plagued by bursitis,
The gout, and arthritis
I can get some soap on a rope.”
-----------------------
Said Tommy
to Jim “Though you did it
When it comes to sin I’m agin it
But it does make a buck
And we’re really in luck
Cause there’s one born again
every minute.”
-----------------------
To be a martyr for a cause
May be OK for some
But if it is the thing to do,
Why call it martyr dumb?
-----------------------
An old
member of Genus Rhesus
Cut his tail into several pieces
But with modern day science
They built an appliance
And provided a 12-foot prothesis
Mankind has made the same
mistakes
Throughout its whole existence
Whatever it may lack in smarts
It makes up in persistence
-----------------------
I guess
I’ve never seen a hair-lipped angel
Nor one whose upper dentures
didn’t fit
Cause it is hard to tell a
hair-lipped angel
Most people only notice when they
spit
They don’t sell no menoxidel in
heaven
Although we know that angels have
no hair
The way we know that baldness is
in heaven
We’ve been assured there ain’t no
parking there.
When Baptists learn to genuflect
And Catholics learn to swim
T’will be a shocker for mankind
But won’t mean stink to Him
Ants is slightly longer
Than ants is slightly wide
Their jaws occur on just one end
But leap on either side
These little nitty pickers
They really like to eat
If you get them in your knickers
They’ll fang you in the seat.
If you observe a flying goose
You may find out his bowels are
loose
-----------------------
The
thought of eating ooni
Is rather gauche to me
It seems quite shabby treatment
for
A creature of the sea
Cause gelded young sea urchins
Can’t do things sea urchins
oughter
And your name may preclude the
life
Of urchin’s sons and daughters
So hold in check your appetite
For this dish in particular
And in the future don’t indulge
In foods that are testicular
-----------------------
As each
goose passes overhead
It empties gut and bowel
And so I think the spelling’s
wrong
They should be water-fowl
Close your mouth and clench your
teeth
When viewing geese from
underneath
-----------------------
When geese
are flying overhead
Do not look up, look down instead
-----------------------
Algae is a
type of plant whose uses seen obscure
If you find it lying on a beach
it smells like fish manure
If it didn’t have its chlorophyll
it might be just called fungi
But it has to live in water and
it isn’t quite as spongy
A person who collects it is
correctly called a kelper
It’s edible and may be used just
like hamburger helper
The latest use they’ve put it to
is really the last straw
They’ve made a ladies garment
that is called the algae bra
If you have a parrot named Pete
You had best keep your language
discreet
Or you’ll shock your old grandma
Out of her pajama
By the words that old Pete will
repeat
-----------------------
A young
woman called Lori Moore
Had a mind so dreadfully pure
They say that one day
She fainted away
When she saw some canary manure
-----------------------
When Eskimos need candlelight
They simply catch a whale
Then drag him in their igloos
And elevate his tail
They just insert a twelve-foot
wick
And then the end ignite
And thereby have a candle
Which lasts one polar night
-----------------------
The frogs
are in our basement
Indeed we don’t know why
The only way to catch them
Is to imitate a fly
So when you hear one croakin’
Just step out in the hall
And run your zipper up and down
And they will heed the call
-----------------------
Oh chicken
skin
Is gross as sin
Its touch I can’t abide
Although I’d hate it
I’d tolerate it
If they called it chicken hide
-----------------------
They find
at this time of the year
That hunger will overcome fear
So beware if a mouse
Gains access to your house
He’ll likely attack from the rear
-----------------------
The Law of Fang and Gnaw
Poor old Fritz lay all supine
Pinned beneath the fallen pine
But he thought “This is the most,
They’ve cut me a new chewing post
But in truth it’s really cruel
‘cause I can only gum and drool”
There stands old Fritz
he’s hot as all sin
With sweat dripping off
of his Doberman chin
He’s eaten the trees
which might provided shade
He now finds it’s time
that the “Piper gets Paid”
But meanwhile the cat
in the house sits and thrives
While watching soap operas
And eating nine lives
And thus it is always
In this world of strife
You hear many say
That they lead a dog’s life
-----------------------
Fritz
Poor old Fritz the Doberman
There’s nothing more to stay
It seems in Monday’s windstorm
He sort of pined away.
He’s gone to Dober-heaven
And we know that it is true
He is in that canine forest
Doing what he wants to do.
He now may chew or wet or bark
Without the least objection
And never give a second thought
About some fool injection.
They found him near his doghouse
And said with some chagrin
It happened like the neighbors
said
The bark would do him in.
-----------------------
There once was a Dobe they called
Fritz
Who liked to chew fence posts to
bits
Till he wore out his teeth
And the gums underneath
And now drools till he gives
people fits
-----------------------
If you
would have a skunk type pet
Consider first this adage
Have it descented by the vet
For a distinct advantage
-----------------------
Hail to thee oh Unicorn
In truth you never have been born
Perforce since you’re imaginary
Your attitude is quite contrary
At the risk of sounding coarse
One might call you a horny-horse
-----------------------
There once
was a man from Melbourne
Who rode on a green Unicorn
He thought it was great
Just to accelerate
And at the crossroads to lean on
the horn
Stop, oh bovine, don’t be wild
Because you’ve lost your unborn
child
Anxiety should be abated
At least you’re now decaffeinated
-----------------------
Bird
Birdie sitting in the tree
What a lousy way to act
Messing up my car and me
With things from your digestive
tract…
-----------------------
A certain
bug chruncher named Clyde
Said “I always try to decide
When I crunch a large bug
On a light colored rug
What colors will squirt from
inside.”
-----------------------
Bottle Rocket
Oh Bottle Rocket, pal of mine,
bewail your horrid loss
Your eyes no longer sparkle, your
coat has lost its gloss
You turned your back on someone
you never should ignore
Now your wandering days are over
and your sitting spot is sore
So say goodbye to damsels on whom
you used to call
You never will recover from the
cruelest cut of all.
PS
But take some consolation as you
sit alone and holler
You nicked
Old Jimbo’s checkbook to the tune of forty dollars
-----------------------
Bottle Rocket
Alas, alack, old feline friend
For you my cheeks are wet
I know you took it in the end
When you went to the vet
But take it philosophically
This world is full of drearience
Live passive and bucolically
Twas one eunuch experience.
Age
If mankind was evolved
from apes
Though that some folks may
dispute
It seems quite strange that he
should seek
Some means to stay hirsute
To make some gummy potion
That the divots will replace
And then finds that it only works
On the knuckles, chest, and face
And if it spills upon his wife
It leaves her looking weird
With hairy matted finger joints
And well-developed beard
So better we accept what time
Render on our pate
Cause though bald ain’t too
beautiful
It still may be our fate
And all the rotten side effects
Should make us rather wary
Cause string bikinis don’t do
much
For torsos that are hairy
Obesity is fun to see
Upon another frame
But when it is on your
Own rib cage
The humor ain’t the same
-----------------------
(Obesity
is waist-full)
If mankind was meant to be skinny
It wouldn’t have skin that can
stretch
-----------------------
Eskimos are really nifty
When they reach the age of 50
They go out upon the ice
Find a snow pile soft and nice
Strip down to their BVD’s
Settle there and start to freeze
This ain’t bad cause heaven knows
At least they do not decompose
-----------------------
You know
you’re old when your back goes out more than you do
-----------------------
Storage
Tomorrow with the boxes we’ll
have another bout
I fear that when we’re half way
through the door someone will give a shout
Quick bring a glass of water and
give this turkey air
Then place a call to Upjohn
Health and have them bring a chair
Cause there on the terrace lies
an aged and chubby lout
It ain’t that someone hit him,
but his bones just gave out
-----------------------
Say Au
Revoir to days of youth
Hello to middle age
The thought at first may seem
uncouth
And cause a surge of rage
Before you were a dashing dude
But now old man you’re dirty
You’ll find your life is now
subdued
Cause Buster you are thirty
-----------------------
On
Becoming 40
Birthdays sure become a pain
the longer that we live
But think a bit and don’t
complain
there’s one alternative
-----------------------
Wahoo
Balloons!!
The Bouquet was a big surprise
The thought was really swell
But did you call me an old goat
Because of age or smell?
Seriously,
Many Thanks
-----------------------
When they
pat you in the face with a spade
You know that have really got it
made
For your bones will not be
stirred
Unless you are disinterred
And that only happiness if your
rent ain’t paid
-----------------------
If your
weight is near 250
And your height is 4 foot 10
And when you sit in captains
chairs
You can’t get out again
And if you make all the fabric
stretch
Here’s something that I think
You can do yourself a favor
By never
wearing pink
-----------------------
My Shape
There’s nothing whatever the
matter with me
I’m just as healthy as I can be
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a
wheeze
My pulse is weak and my blood is
thin
But I’m awfully well for the
shape I’m in.
I think my liver is out of whack
And I have a terrible pain in my
back
My hearing is poor and my eyes
are dim
I’m overweight and I can’t get
thin
But I’m awfully well for the
shape I’m in.
Arch supports I have on both feet
Or I wouldn’t be able to walk
down the street
My fingers are ugly, stiff in the
joints
My nails are impossible to keep
in points
Sleep is denied me, night after
night,
And every morning I am a sight
But I’m really well for the shape
I’m in.
Memory failing, head in a spin
I’m practically living on aspirin
The moral is, as this tale we
unfold
That for you and me who are
growing old
It’s better to say “I’m fine”
with a grin
Than to tell everyone “the shape
we are in”
How do I know my youth is all
spent?
Well, my get up and go, has got
up and went!
But in spite of it all, I’m able
to grin
When I recall where my “get up”
has been.
Old age is golden, so I’ve heard
it said
But sometimes, I wonder when I
get in to bed
With my ears in a drawer and my
teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table until I get
up
Ere sleep dims my eyes, I say to
myself
Is there anything else I should
put on the shelf?
And I’m happy to day, as I close
my door,
My friends are the same, perhaps
even more.
-----------------------
Aging
You’re just as old as you may
feel
That’s pure bovine manure.
But at age thirty you ain’t old,
You’ve just become mature.
That may give consolation
But one thing I can tell,
No matter what we tell you
You’re feeling old as hell
-----------------------
Life
in These United States
If ever you talk to a
cowboy
Unless in a corner you’re pinned
Be sure to do all in your power
To assure that he’s standing
downwind.
When they go to town they’re
fun-loving
They’re drunken and lecherous too
When you’re speaking of base
depravation
There’s little a cowboy won’t do.
Since they have these
characteristics
I’m sure you would have to agree
That cowboys are uniquely suited
Our national heroes to be.
-----------------------
The people
of America are from widely scattered places
They come in diverse sizes,
colors, shapes, and many races
It’s true they miss their
homeland and quite often make that clear
But they are at least in general
rather happy to be here
That is with one exception,
namely those considered Asian
For it seems this feeling’s
limited to red, black, or Caucasian
The reason is quite obvious and
really elemental
Why happiness ain’t felt by them
what’s oriental
Cause it’s very hard to feel
great joy, peace, and quite contented
When you know your remaining days
will be disoriented
I went to school at anti-Yale
And I knew for certain I would
anti-fail
I made plenty points with my
professor
And in no time at all I was a
crashing bore
I anti-failed as sure as heck
Then got my doctorate out at
Kal-tech
My education you’ll agree
Removed all trace of personality
-----------------------
Pompous,
bombastic
Sometimes even spastic
But not Iconoclastic
Cause Hahvahd is my home
There’s one thing for sure
My reasoning obscure
And I spread bull manure
Cause Hahvahd is my home
-----------------------
Concert
We’re sitting in the Silver Dome
In row nine twenty four
I’m not too sure I see the stage
But I can make out the floor.
That’s really not remarkable
Because of all the haze
Besides from climbing all these
steps
I’m in a partial daze.
And here comes Michael Jackson
He’s really looking swell
At least with strong binoculars
I think that I can tell.
The sound is sure terrific
It makes your eardrums hum
It’s much like dropping fireworks
In a fifty gallon drum.
Now Mike is singing Billy jean
That really is a joke
He should be singing Mary Jane
Just judging from the smoke.
At last the concert’s over
The fun is finally through
I’ve kissed my thirty bucks
goodbye
So back to Kalamazoo.
-----------------------
I think a
man must be insane
To trust his life to canned
propane
And count on it and any breeze
To keep him safely clear of trees
It also doesn’t give assurance
To find his wife raised his
insurance
One nice thing about a basket
It can double as a casket
-----------------------
There is a
certain question new fathers ask in dread
What was that form of moisture
that just whizzed past my head?
I don’t think perspiration has
made my shirt sleeve wet
But wives just don’t get too
concerned, “Just pass it off as sweat.
And even though the odor may seem
a bit amiss
I’m sure that no one will
suspect, cause armpits just don’t…drip.”
-----------------------
Tie this
on and don’t forget
Or else your shirt-front will be
wet
-----------------------
More Balloons
Do you think I feel ridiculous?
Do you think I feel conspicuous?
Do you think I feel like a ruddy
fool?
Do you think my ego’s shot
Out here in the parking lot
With balloons in hand and trying
to act cool?
Do you think it cramps my style
Having people point and smile
As I try to keep some semblance
of finesse?
Do you think it hurts my pride?
Do you think I’d like to hide?
Bunky, you must know the
answer…it is yes.
-----------------------
I’ve met a
lovely woman
As nice as man could find
She’d beautiful and witty
And also quite refined
I think we are compatible
But I have one small quirk
Which I really hate to mention
Cause I feel just like a jerk
The cause for my discomfort
I’m reluctant to define
But she has more hair on her
chest
Than I have got on mine
-----------------------
If your teenage daughter hollers
You can spend 2 million dollars
And provide sufficient justice we
agree
But if you ain’t got the bread
You’ll wind up in jail instead
And that’s justice for a simple
slob like me
-----------------------
Today to beat the charge of rape
Just blush and say “Aw shucks!”
And incidentally it won’t hurt
To have ten million bucks
-----------------------
If you
think that the Middle East fighting
Is because of land, you’re wrong
old chum
Instead it’s because every Arab
Thinks Israelis are after his gum
-----------------------
Innuendo
The presidential colon had a
polyp that is true
And he went to have it excised, a
likely thing to do
But it must have really thrilled
him to see the close-up views
And to hear the commentary on the
national evening news.
In view of the New Bedford mess
Though some may protest bitterly
When Lincoln spoke at Gettysburg
He meant “Your father’s”
literally
-----------------------
An
Oldsmobile is just a flivver
But ain’t too much like Old Man
River
Which in the words of that old
song
At least continues rollin’ along
-----------------------
We live
within an era
When all women want their rights
To race and smoke and spit and
swear
And join in barroom fights.
They want to enter locker rooms
For interviews on sports
And question big time athletes
In or our of undershorts
They feel one can’t delay the
news
For even half an hour
And so their TV interviews
Are conducted in the shower
Indeed the modern woman wants
To challenge all frontiers
And give her own endorsement of
All shaving cream and beer
There seems to be no limits
To the feminist demands
Until the whole creation
Is entirely in their hands
But men though they have ruined
Our poker clubs and bars
Until they find adapters
The urinals are ours.
-----------------------
Twas the
day before Christmas
And with some trepidation
Mom left in the T-bird
And dad the citation.
For some last minute shopping
(an unhappy spree)
And left the whole house
To Doug, Molly, and me.
An unlikely occurrence
I’ll admit that it’s true
For this is not something
Our parents would do.
But the pending arrival
Of jolly St Nick
And his threats of reprisal
Might just do the trick.
That our youthful high spirits
Would be somewhat abashed
And that when they got home
They would not find it trashed.
They had lectured us hard
They had lectured us long
But when they returned
They found they were wrong.
‘Cause any child or household pet
Grabs all the gusto he can get
He does it now without delay
And lets the chips fall where
they may.
Then stands amid debris and smoke
And when accosted says “It
broke.”
For he knows when his folks come
in
They won’t be too harsh on their
kin.
And thus it was in this case too
The kids did what they shouldn’t
do.
-----------------------
Welcome
Yule, oh welcome
Though you make me a ruddy fool
I search and travel, seek and
spend
In Christmas shopping without
end.
And after I have bought the crap
I have to take the time to wrap
Each package with great toil and
strain
To then rip off and wrap again.
For there’s one thing I know is
true
That neat type wrapping I can’t
do
So this year neatness I am
scorning
It don’t mean stink come
Christmas morning.
-----------------------
Tis the
day after Christmas and I don’t feel too great
I ate far too much and I stayed
up too late
At the first light of dawn I
crawled from my bed
Now I’m here at my desk half
asleep and half dead.
My eyes are bloodshot in the
fluorescent gloom
And there’s no sign of life in
the whole lousy room
The general appearance is really
fantastic
The plants are all wilted albeit
they’re plastic.
The spirit of things could not be
much worse
I’ve seen greater joy in the back
of a hearse
There’s one thing for certain
that’s perfectly clear
It won’t be much better at least
till next year.
In other words, “It don’t get no
better than this Bunky!”
-----------------------
Hark the
Upjohn nurses sing
Gnaw upon a pepper ring
Don’t eat any sweets at all
And avoid cholesterol
Choke that fiber down your throat
Shallow water till you bloat
But if you must drink and play
Make your beverage Perrier
Hark the Upjohn nurses sing
Health awareness is the thing.
-----------------------
Showbiz
T’was the night before “Moses” at
St. Timothy
The choir was as nervous as
singers can be.
Their knees were all shaking,
their knuckles were white
With anticipation of opening
night.
Low rumbling rebellion was heard
from the basses
The tenors sat silent with frowns
on their faces.
Sopranos and altos were tense but
supine
It seems they’d been checking the
communion wine.
When from the director a snort of
derision
“Barb ray just arrived with one
more revision.
It’s in Aramaic, the verses don’t
rhyme
And the meter, Lord help us, is
7/8 time.”
Said Barbara, “Don’t panic, it’s
only one song
In the key of high E and just
three pages long.
The other two pages are solos for
Jim.”
(We notice she always writes
solos for him.”
Said Jim as he sat there looking
weary and crushed
“Well when a man’s married he
does what he must.”
(In truth he was faking he just
loves to do it
Especially if there’s some
Terpsichore to it.)
But then came a comment that
caused great delight
“Remember this turkey runs only
one night.”
-----------------------
I’ve
changed my watch
I’ve changed my clocks
I’ve changed my underwear
And socks
I’ve changed my mind
And everything
One thing’s for sure
It must be spring
Work
It was many years ago
When we were allowed to know
That our unit would be moving
By and By
At that time we got the word
Terminals would be assured
It was then quoth Richard Craven
“NBI”
I remember even yet
And I never will forget
How tears were seen in every
persons
Eyes
At the very pleasant thought
That equipment would be bought
And each station be equipped with
NBIs
The move has come and gone
And we all just carry on
But we can’t forget no matter
How we try
How much nicer it would be
If we’d turn around and see
A sleek model of the latest
NBI
Oh the promise still remains
To placate our Falco pains
And a Krowbar does allow us to
Get by
But we know but all to well
There will be a frost in hell
Long before we ever get our
NBI
We find our brand new mail mobile
Can really draw a crowd
Although it’s unobtrusive
And its beeper ain’t too loud
Cause every time it passes by
So many trail behind
You’d think that the Pied Piper’d
Come to Bldg 259
-----------------------
Some names
are very fitting
As most likely know
And in the case of workday names
One is most apropos
Cause after four long days of
toil
And tempers have been tried
We reach that ever lovin day
When everyone is
Fried
-----------------------
Projects
It seems the fancy projects that
some management dreams up
Originate while staring into
cocktail glass or cup.
Though the effort will be easy,
or so they will assure,
You know without exception it’s
just pure bovine manure.
So dear novice to the system, let
me offer some advice
I know you learn quite quickly,
so one warning will suffice
If someone says “Do you have
time?” or “Let me make this clear”
Just feign a 6 month backlog, but
in no case volunteer.
If ever you get feeling good
About your rank or placement
Remember you’re in two five nine
And toiling in a-basement.
-----------------------
If you
would like your work in print
Tell ___ and have no fear
The copies soon will issue
But your name will not appear
-----------------------
They had a
great idea
A product to contrive
To keep the cattle breathing
And help the swine survive
And so to be quite true to form
For always tempting fate
They took the toughest step of
all
They set a target date.
What difference if there was no
drug
Or no one had ability
To make a formulation
Much less know its stability?
Ignore these trifling little
facts
The answer it would seem
Would be to schedule meetings
And select a project team.
-----------------------
You
correct ten thousand errors
And you’ll find no one remembers
And upon this premise you may
safely bet.
But if one should sneak by
However hard you try
There’s just no way in hell they
will forget!
-----------------------
Oh where
is Roger Gauntlet?
I’d really like to know
Is he still held in prison
Or did they let him go?
Perhaps they just released him
On his recognizance
With just one stipulation
That he keep things in his pants
-----------------------
If you
like kinky romance
Best you choose your maiden aunts
Or perhaps your maiden uncle if
you’re gay
But forgo your porno fun
With step-daughter or step-son
Or your sex drive may be taken
clean away
Oh three judges now have tried
On a method to decide
And as yet they still are looking
at the facts
One likes incarceration
Another one castration
While the last most strongly
favors a dull ax
-----------------------
Roger
stood in front of the judge
Looking quite perplexed
“You mean I’m to be punished
Just because I’m oversexed?”
The judge said calm down Roger
Cause we’re living in an era
When first of all we slap your
wrist
Then sock you with Provera
But if you are allergic
And on thus the court has checked
We’ve found a cross-eyed Rabbi
Who will have the same effect
-----------------------
There once was an old Upjohn heir
Who had an elicit affair
With a stepson and daughter
He shouldn’t have oughter
Now he’s scheduled for gender
repair
Roger Gauntlet went to jail
With a syringe stuck in his tail
This will end his strong
temptation
For more teenage molestation
-----------------------
Poor Roger sat alone
Feeling like a wimp
When he heard the court’s
decision
He just went completely limp
When he mentioned this to Borson
The old judge was heard to say
“It’s precisely our intention
You damn well will stay that way”
-----------------------
It sets
your mind to reeling
Good old Roger is appealing
For he thinks his current
sentence too severe
He finds it harsh and cruel
To inactivate his tool
And to have to stay in jail for
one full year
-----------------------
It says in books on parenting
That fathers should be close
It seems in dear old Roger’s case
“He was closer than most”
Oh Roger’s daughter said
“He really ain’t so bad
Ever since the age of seven
He has been much more than dad”
-----------------------
Said Broson “If you don’t take
shots
Your sentence is amended.
But Roger baby either way
For you the tale is ended.”
-----------------------
Said Roger
looking haggard
“When I get my release
I hope that I can just go home
And have a little…oops bad choice
of words.”
-----------------------
The
concept of punishment fitting crime
Is really taking shape
Judge Fitz is for establishing
The Gauntlet School of Rape
-----------------------
The judge
said to old Roger
To give your kids protection
Your sentence is that you must
take
Provera by injection
And though to some it may appear
This penalty is minimal
At least we’re sure you will not
be
A very hardened criminal
Roger is devoted
To the company it’s true
To promote Depo Provera
There is nothing he won’t do
-----------------------
Said Roger
I’m disgusted
Cause no matter how I wheedle
It seems wherever I may go
I always get the needle
Girls
and Boys
Nocturnal activity- maternal
proclivity
Glabrous girl and hispid boy
Make all mankind sing for joy
But the hispid girl and the
glabrous youth
Make the heavens seem uncouth
So to your respective sexes flee
Hispidity-glabrousity
-----------------------
Hispid
maid, glabrous youth
Make the heavens seem uncouth
Glabrous maid, hispid boy
Make the heavens leap for joy
Go to your respective sexes flee
Hispidity, glabrousity
-----------------------
D.P. went
a jogging jut to stay in trim
Cause with that much on the top
she wants the bottom slim
D.P. came back bruised and
swearing out of breath
Cause when her bra strap broke
she nearly flogged herself to death.
Bikinis that are made of string
Don’t cover up a dad-burned thing
Another fact you’ll find is true
Those things may wind up
son-burned too.
-----------------------
Quite
certain by now you have found
That the wind in your blue
wrap-around
Will tend to expose
From your nose to your toes
And make dirty old men turn
around
-----------------------
Sports
Illustrated for Bart
Those girls in string bikinis are
very slim and trim
Curvaceous top and bottom and
lithe of bod and limb
They look so very sultry in every
sexy pose
They wear so very little there’s
not much left to expose
We now need some variety that
doesn’t look so nifty
So get some dimpled darlings that
weigh in around 250
-----------------------
A lovely
vision just passed by
And stirred us to our roots
The tight black sweater
Flaired white skirt
Set off by Dingo boots
The jet black eyes
The dimpled cheeks
The gently wind-swept hair
Alas, alack, all this is gone
And only the Lord knows where.
-----------------------
Playboy
and Playgirl
I very often wonder why some
people gladly spend
Their money for a picture of
somebody’s rear end
Cause one thing is quite certain,
be it guy or be it dame
Within a single gender,
plumbing’s very much the same
Putrid
Puns and other Horrors
Belly dancing: omentum momentum
-----------------------
There once was a very successful
owner of a crematorium. One day he decided that it would be
wise from a business standpoint to diversify, so he became
involved in commercial fishing.
He felt that in this way he would be
able to increase his net profit as well as his gross
urnings.
A certain Bic-flicker named Mick
Was flicking his Bic lightning
quick
But two Bic-flickers
Set fire to his knickers
Which seemed like a damned nasty
trick
Jessica is now long gone
The reason’s plain to see
She took her job as anchorperson
Far too literally
-----------------------
Conversation By A Paraplegic
‘Well, hi, it’s good to see you,
and no I don’t feel sick.
You ask me how I’m doing? I
really cannot kick.”
-----------------------
In Western
Australia beneath a large tree
Old dame Bridget Murphy each day
would have tea
She loved the koalas that resided
there
They are, incidentally, a small
kind of bear.
One day Bridget Murphy decided to
see
If koalas would drink eucalyptus
leaf tea
It turned out they would, but
unfortunately
Their digestive tracts acted
negatively.
A young veterinarian who happened
along
Was called in to try to find out
what was wrong
He quickly examined the
leaf-laden tea
And said to old Bridget “Quite
obviously,
While koalas could eat all the
leaves you have here,
Any teas that they drink must be
perfectly clear.
So just filter the tea through a
sieve or a cloth
To remove every leaf from this
foul smelling broth.”
But Bridget, indignant with
expression quite pained
Said, “Sir, the koala tea of
Murphy is not strained.”
-----------------------
My old
heart goes pitter patter
When I think of anti-matter
If perchance I’m on the street
And my antiperson meet
And we both touch we’re good as
gone
We’ll be blown to positrons
-----------------------
I must go
down to the sea again;
The lonely sea and the sky
Cause my shirt-tail caught in the
anchor rope
And that’s the reason why
-----------------------
Thought
Oedipus as he fretted for many a day and night
“I married mom and murdered dad:
two wrongs don’t make a right”
Then poking his thumb in both his
eyes, he donned his coat and hat
But said as he reached for his
leader dog, “I’ve just lost sight of that”
When Oedipus was just a child
He wasn’t too much bother
But when he grew to be a man
He polished off his father
And when at last he came to trial
His lawyer said “Oh bother”
He really wasn’t all that bad
At least he liked his mother
-----------------------
Said a
passerby once long ago
As he stared at poor Quasimodo
Who had jumped for a bell
But missed it and fell
“A dead ringer for someone I
know”
-----------------------
As apple juice dripped down his
pate
Old Newton said “I hereby state
Tis surely of the utmost gravity
But not a question of depravity
Why fruits on me must gravitate.”
-----------------------
Jacque
Cousteau makes an undergarb
Like none you ever saw
It is entirely seaweed
And is called the algaebra
-----------------------
Oh when they trip the guillotine
You know that you are dead
But you may live slightly longer
If you just don’t turn your head
--Louie XIV
-----------------------
As
Cleopatra gave a gasp
At her life’s termination
Marc Anthony said, “Well, at
least
She had her aspiration.”
-----------------------
Do not
chuckle
Do not grin
Try to hold
Your stomach in
Do not sneeze
Do not chuckle
You may pop
Your belly buckle.
------------------